My world has shrunk considerably, and I'm pretty sure I'm becoming nearsighted. I find myself always staring down at this tiny but growing bundle in my arms. When I look up finally, I am often disoriented and feel slightly off-center. It is a beautiful thing, though, this new love. It is so vast, and ever-changing becoming deeper each day.
The first few months I felt slightly on edge, running on pure adrenaline - partially from only getting about 2 hours of sleep at a time and no more than maybe 4 every night, and partially from the knowledge that my husband and I were responsible for not only keeping this little tiny helpless human being alive, but also for her healthy growth and development. It's wonderful and terrifying at the same time.
But I think of Ruby Jo when I am not with her, I can stare at her and pictures of her for hours, days, I'm sure. The sound of her giggle or just her breathing in and out is like heaven to me, and she makes me feel full of life, and scared like hell of it all at the same time.
It is a good thing. To have my world be small right now. There is so much pain and suffering in the world. Having a child makes me realize even more profoundly how unnecessary it all is, and that we have the power to end that suffering. I am torn between the inspiration Ruby gives me to do just that, and my fear that she will have to grow up in this world where we haven't figured it out yet.
I do not pretend to be wise, only very deeply in love...
Peace,
April
